TWENTY NINE

WHAT YOU ALL HAVE BEEN WAITING FOR....


WAT. I WASNT JUST PICKING MY NOSE


NAH I WAS JUST UHHH


YOU KNOW


JUST UHHH


I WAS JUST DOIN SOME BLOW


YOU KNOW, LIKE ANY OTHER DAY


I WOULD NEVER PICK MY NOSE IN PUBLIC


THATS DISGUSTING


WHO DO YOU THINK I AM?


BITCH I'M RPATTZ


BETTA RECOGNIZE


YOU DON'T QUESTION RPATTZ


BECAUSE QUESTIONS CONFUSE RPATTZZ


RPATTZ DOES NOT LIKE TO BE CONFUSED


IT MAKES ME WANNA CHOKE A BITCH


BUT I DO LIKE CHOKIN A BITCH


I PREFER TO SLAP EM THOUGH


MAYBE POKE EM IN THE EYE


THEN THEY CAN'T SEE ME COMING


THEY'LL BE LIKE WHOA


ARE YOU RPATTZ?


AND I'LL BE LIKE


WHY YES I AM


NOW GIVE ME YOUR BRA


AND THE SANDWICH TOO

TO OUR MILLIONS OF READERS

WE HAVE EXPANDED THE LULZ

http://twitter.com/rpattzadventure


FOLLOW PLZ.

TWENTY EIGHT

HERE, TRY SOME OF BELLA'S UTERUS...


GOOD RIGHT?!

TWENTY SEVEN

TWENTY SIX

IM SORRY OFFICER
I SWEAR IT'S JUST PENCIL SHAVINGS

TWENTY FIVE

Just a small town girl living in a lonely world
She took the midnight train going anywhere


Just a city boy born and raised in South Detroit
He took the midnight train going anywhere


A singer in a smokey room the smell of wine and cheap perfume


For a smile they can share the night.


It goes on and on and on and on


Strangers waiting up down the boulevard.
Their shadows searchin' in the night


Streetlight people living just to find emotion
Hiding somewhere in the night


Working hard to get my fill everybody wants a thrill
Payin' anything to roll the dice. Just one more time.


Some will win some will lose some were born to sing the blues.


Oh the movie never ends. It goes on and on and on and on...


DON'T STOP BELIVEINNNGGGGG
HOLD ON TO THAT FEELINGGGG

TO OUR MILLIONS OF FANS

AS SOME OF YOU HAVE NOTICED THE PICTURES ARE NOT WORKING RIGHT NOW.

WE DON'T KNOW WHY.

NO NEED TO WORRY, WE WILL CONTINUE THE ADVENTURES AND BRING THE LULZ.

SORRY FOR THE INCONVENIENCE.

HOPEFULLY EVERYTHING WILL BE BACK TO NORMAL SOON.


*****EDIT*****

WE FIGURED OUT THE PROBLEM

BUT NOW THE PROBLEM IS IT'S GOING TO TAKE US A LONG WHILE TO GET THE PICTURES BACK UP

NO WORRIES CHILDREN, WE GO THIS SHIT

TWENTY FOUR

GUESS WHAT MY FAVORITE MOVIE IS


NOPE, NOT STAR WARS


GOD NO, ITS NOT GEORGE OF THE JUNGLE


MY FAVORITE MOVIE?


CROSSROADS


THAT B. SPEARS


TRULY ONE OF THE GREAT ACTRESSES OF OUR TIME


AND THE PLOT...I COULD REALLY RELATE


IT WAS JUST SO DEEP


I ONCE LIVED OFF TIPS I MADE SINGING HALF NAKED IN A KARAOKE BAR


AND THIS ONE TIME
I TOTALLY DROVE ACROSS THE COUNTRY WITH AN EX-CON


MAN WAS HE A CUTIE


OF COURSE WE FELL IN LOVE!


JUST LIKE LUCY AND BEN!


AND KEEP THIS ON THE DL


BUT HE WAS MY FIRST


OH MEMORIES


THOSE WERE SOME GOOD TIMES


I THINK


I DUNNO MAN
I WAS HIGH A LOT


THOSE EX-CONS
THEY HAVE GOOD HOOKUPS


IF YAGET MY DRIFT

TWENTY THREE

WHAT ARE YOU GOING TO BE FOR HALLOWEEN


I THINK I WANNA BE


A DOLPHIN.


YEAH I REALLY LIKE DOLPHINS


THE WAY THEY GO EEE EEE EEE


AND THEY GOT THOSE THINGS ON THEIR HEAD


AND IT SHOOTS STUFF OUT OF IT


YEAH I DONT REALLY KNOW WHAT THEY ARE FOR


BUT ITS REALLY COOL


REMEMBER THAT SHOW FLIPPER


THAT DOLPHIN COULD TALK


IT WAS ALL LIKE


TIMMYS IN A WELL


THAT FURRY DOLPHIN SAVES LIVES


SO YOU BETTER RESPECT IT


I KNOW I DO


I GOT A FLIPPER PIN ON MY BOOKBAG IF YOU WANNA SEE


I ALSO HAVE THIS SWEET TRIBAL
WITH A DOLPHIN JUMPING OVER A SUNSET


IT GOES RIGHT ACROSS MY CHEST
ITS SO SICK


I DESIGNED IT MYSELF


WHEN I GAVE IT TO THE DUDE HE WAS LIKE


YEAH MAN THIS IS REALLY GOOD
ITS GOING TO LOOK AWESOME


AND I WAS JUST LIKE


YEAH I KNOW


THEN AFTER I GOT IT DONE


HE TOLD ME FLIPPER WASN'T FLIPPER


BUT IT WAS SOME SHIT NAMED LASSIE


I WAS ALL LIKE


COME ON GUY
I KNOW A FLIPPER WHEN I SEE A FLIPPER


AND THIS MY FRIEND
IS A FLIPPER


HE WAS TRYINA FUCK WITH MY HEAD


I HATE IT WHEN PEOPLE FUCK WITH ME HEAD


THINKIN IM ALL DUMB AND SHIT


FUCK THAT


ACTIN LIKE THEY DONT KNOW WHO I AM


I'M FLIPPER MOTHERFUCKERS.


DONT BELIEVE ME
WATCH THIS


EEE EEE EEE


YEAH THATS WHAT I FUCKING THOUGHT


JUST IGNORE THAT NAME AT THE BOTTOM OF THE SCREEN.

TWENTY TWO

OH SO YOU LIKE MY JACKET


SHIT IS REAL FLY SON


YEAH ITS NO BIG DEAL


GOT IT FROM A LITTLE PLACE CALLED THE SALVATION ARMY


VERY EXCLUSIVE, I KNOW


BUT NOT EVERYONE CAN AFFORD TO DRESS THIS WELL


ESPECIALLY YOU


BITCH YOU GOT NO STYLE


I SHOULD TAKE YOU TO THE SALVATION ARMY


I DONT KNOW IF YOU COULD AFFORD IT THOUGH


ITS QUITE EXPENSIVE


AND YOUR JUST A TV HOST


NOT A BIG TIME ACTOR LIKE MYSELF


SEE ALL THOSE PEOPLE


THEY ALL WANT ME


DONT BELIEVE ME?


IF YA'LL WANT SOME RPATTZ UPSHIRT


LEMME HEAR YOU SCREAM




WHAT'D I TELL YOU


UH OH


I THINK THEY'RE COMING FOR ME


NOT THE FANS YOU IDIOT


THE FUCKING POPO


YOU SEE LADY


IM WANTED IN 58 STATES FOR POSSESSION


WHY YES
I AM QUITE PROUD


WAIT


THERE ARE ONLY 50 STATES?


WELL THEN...


I THOUGHT I REALLY HAD SOMETHING GOING FOR ME


YOU SURE THERE ARE ONLY 50 STATES?


SHIIIT


I GUESS YOU CAUGHT ME IN THAT LIE


BUT BETWEEN YOU AND ME


I SHOT A MAN IN RENO JUST TO WATCH HIM DIE




PSHHHH YOU BELIEVED ME


I WOULD NEVER KILL A BITCH


I'D SMACK ONE THOUGH


ONE JUST LIKE YOURSELF


SO JUST KEEP YOUR HANDS TO YOURSELF


AND LETS CALL A SPADE A SPADE


AND WE'LL DO THE HOKEY POKEY


BECAUSE IN THE END


THATS WHAT ITS ALL ABOUT


FEEL ME?

TWENTY ONE

WHO THE FUCK ARE YOU?


OH GOD ITS YOU AGAIN


WELL THIS IS A BIT AWKWARD ISNT IT


I THOUGHT I WOULD HAVE SMACKED YOU INTO ANOTHER DIMENSION BY NOW


SO I GUESS I JUST HAVE TO DEAL WITH YOU


DONT BE OFFENDED


OR ELSE I'LL PUNCH YOUR TEETH IN


YA HEARD?


YEAH THATS WHAT I THOUGHT


BITCH


OH SHIT
I FORGOT MY SHOES


MAYBE I LEFT THEM OVER THERE


DID YOU TAKE THEM?


OH SHIT WEREN'T YOU ON AMERICAS NEXT TOP MODEL


DID YOU KNOW THIS BITCH WAS ON THAT SHOW?


SO TELL ME
IS TYRA A BITCH


GIIIIIRL
YOU SERIOUS?


YEAH I FUCKIN KNEW IT


I ALWAYS KNEW THAT TYRA WAS TROUBLE


SHES ALL LIKE
SMILE WITH YOUR EYES SMILE WITH YOUR EYES


HOWS THIS TYRA
YOU LIKE THIS EYE SMILE?


JUST SHUT THE FUCK UP


BECAUSE I KNOW IM FIERCE


WAIT A MINUTE


YOU WERE THE DYKE


SHIIIIIIT


WELL I'D LIKE TO MAKE YOU A PROPOSITION


JUST LET ME HAVE YOU FOR ONE NIGHT


WHAT IF I SAID PLEASE?


THIS GIRL THINKS SHE CAN RESIST MY DAZZLE


NO ONE CAN RESIST MY DAZZLE


EVEN ONE OF YOUR SEXUAL ORIENTATION


SO JUST GIVE ME A CHANCE BABY


I GOT WHATCHA NEED


A LITTLE BIT OF THIS


A LITTLE BIT OF THAT


AND A LOT OF HEAVY DRUG USAGE


WAT
YOU DONT DO DRUGS EITHER?




WHAT IS UP WITH PEOPLE THESE DAYS?


THERE IS NOTHING WRONG WITH A LOT OF HEAVY DRUG USE


JUST LOOK HOW I TURNED OUT


PERFECTLY FINE

TWENTY

WITH NO FURTHER ADIEU MAY I PRESENT RPATTZ


THANK YOU KIND SIR


LOLA THIS SONG GOES OUT TO YOU


>I'VE WAITED FOR SOMEONE LIKE YOU TO COME ALONG
AND I'VE NEVER FELT THIS WAY BEFORE
I'VE NEVER FELT THIS PULL, THIS FORCE OF GRAVITY
I WANT YOU SO BADLY


I'LL TAKE CARE OF YOU LIKE NO ONE HAS BEFORE
I WANT YOU AND NOTHING MORE
I AM A LUSH AND I AM ADDICTED AND YOU ARE THE SOURCE OF MY CORRUPTION


DONT YOU WORRY DARLING THIS I PROMISE TO YOU
I'LL NEVER LEAVE OR HURT YOU ANYMORE


BE YOUR EDWARD CULLEN
I'LL BE YOUR EDWARD CULLEN
I'LL BE YOUR EDWARD CULLEN
WILL YOU BE MY VAMPIRE GIRL?


GOT NO WORDS TO EXPLAIN THE WAY THAT I FEEL
I WANT TO BITE YOUR NECK AND MAKE YOU SCREAM
HOW REAL MY HEART IS YOURS TO STEAL
COME ALONG WITH ME, VAMPIRES IN LOVE WE CAN ONLY BE


I'LL BE YOUR EDWARD CULLEN
I'LL BE YOUR EDWARD CULLEN
I'LL BE YOUR EDWARD CULLEN
WILL YOU BE MY VAMPIRE GIRL?


I SMOKED A DOOBIE AND WROTE THAT JUST FOR YOU


THANKS TO THIS GUY FOR THE LYRICS:

NINETEEN

OH SHIT MAN
IS THIS A J?


ITS NOT?


I THINK
IM GOING TO TRY IT ANYWAY


SEE


IT DOES WORK


WHAT DID I TELL YA


ALWAYS LISTEN TO RPATTZ


I KNOW A J WHEN I SEE ONE


AND THIS RIGHT HERE


IS A J


GUY
YOURE GIVING ME A HEADACHE


SERIOUSLY, STOP TELLING ME ITS NOT A J


I MEAN JUST LOOK AT IT


IT LOOKS DELICIOUS


AND ITS JUST SO BEAUTIFUL


I LOVE YOU J


JUST THINKING ABOUT ALL THOSE GOOD TIMES


REMEMBER THAT ONE TIME


YOU MAY WANT TO SHUT YOUR EARS


SHIT HERE COMES A FLASHBACK


THIS COP GUY HAD JUST PULLED ME OVER
I WAS IN SUCH A DAZE


I LOOKED TO SEE IF IT WAS AN ILLUSION FROM MY HIGH


BUT NO, IT WAS A COP


I TRIED TO DAZZLE HIM


GIVE HIM A BIT OF THE RPATTZ CHARM


BUT IT WAS A NO GO


HE KEPT ASKING WAY TOO MANY QUESTIONS
TRYING TO KILL MY HIGH


THEN HE SHINED THIS LIGHT IN MY EYES
AND ASKED ME TO DROP MY PANTS


THEN I TOLD HIM "NAH MAN, YOUR FIRST"


AND THEN HE ACTUALLY DID IT


BUT HIS THING WAS TOO HARD TO SEE


I WAS ALL
DUDE ARE YOU SERIOUS?


I JUST KIND OF LAUGHED FOR A WHILE


BUT THEN HE STARTED TO COME CLOSER


AND I DEBATED WHETHER I SHOULD GO FOR IT OR RUN AWAY


AND OF COURSE I DID THE LOGICAL THING


I WENT FOR IT


IT WASNT SO BAD


I MEAN
I GOT TO KEEP MY WEED


IT JUST LEFT A FEW MENTAL SCARS


BUT NOTHING THAT CANT BE CURED WITH A GOOD J


LIKE THIS ONE


OH SHIT THE FLASHBACKS OVER?


THANK GOD


OH THOSE WERE THE DAYS


WHAT DO YOU MEAN IT WASNT A GOOD STORY


IT HAD ALL THE ELEMENTS OF A CLASSIC TALE


ROMANCE


UHH


DRUGS


AND JAMMIN TUNES


WHAT THE FUCK AM I DOING HERE


I SHOULDVE BEEN A WRITER


I WOULD WRITE THE SHIT OUT OF A BOOK


WITH MY EYES CLOSED


SEE LOOK
STILL CLOSED


I COULD DO THIS ALL DAY


SHIT


OH GOT IT


THAT WAS A CLOSE ONE


SHIT


ALRIGHT
GOT IT AGAIN GUYS


I GOT THIS ALL DAY


DAYS AND DAYS EVEN


THROUGH AGONY AND PAIN


DID YOU SAY MY NAME?


FUCK


YOU MOTHER FUCKER TRYING TO FUCK UP MY GAME


WELL FUCK YOU
I GOT IT BACK


I GOT THIS SHIT UNDER CONTROL


SEE LOOK
NO HANDS


THIS IS GETTING ME KINDA SLEEPY THOUGH

EIGHTEEN

JAMIE


WHY DIDNT YOU LET ME KNOW YOU WERE IN THE DARK ROOM TONIGHT


YOU KNOW I COULD'VE HELPED OUT


I MEAN I WOULD'VE HAD TO TOKE UP FIRST


PROBABLY A FEW LINES TOO


BUT I MEAN I WOULD'VE HELPED


YOU SEE


I JUST WORK BETTER UNDER THOSE CONDITIONS, OKAY?


DONT YOU JUDGE ME.


ESPECIALLY WHEN I OFFER YOU MY SERVICES


EVEN THOUGH I'D PROBABLY TRY TO TOUCH YOU INAPPROPRIATELY IN THE DARK


TRIED TO GET A LITTLE UNDER THE SHIRT


YOU'D LET ME GET UP SHIRT


RIGHT?


YEAH THATS WHAT I THOUGHT


YOU'D LOVE SOME RPATTZ UPSHIRT


I CAN SEE IT IN YOUR EYES


WHAT CAN YOU SEE IN MY EYES


ANYTHING GOOD?

SEVENTEEN

WHAT THE FUCK IS THIS


CAN I SMOKE IT?




NOPE


WHOA
WHO THE FUCK IS THAT


YOU KNOW HIM?


WHEN THE FUCK DID HE GET HERE


I MUST BE SO FUCKED UP RIGHT NOW


WHOA WAIT WHERE IS HE


OH HES BACK


WHO IS THIS BITCH


EXCUSE ME SIR


CAN YOU TELL ME WHERE ALL THESE PEOPLE ARE COMING FROM




OH GOD ITS HER AGAIN


MAYBE IF I PRETEND LIKE IM NOT HERE SHE'LL GO AWAY


WHEW


THAT WAS A CLOSE ONE


BITCH WHY ARE YOU BACK


MAYBE IF I PUT THIS CLOAK OVER YOU


YOU WILL FINALLY GO AWAY
IT WORKS IN THE MOVIE


HOLY SHIT IT WORKED


OR MAYBE IM JUST REALLY FUCKING HIGH


IM PROBABLY REALLY HIGH


YEAH
I WAS HIGH


MAYBE ILL JUST TAKE A NAP


MAN
I CANT SLEEP WITH THIS BITCH HERE


AND ALL THESE THINGS AROUND ME


YOU PUT ALL THIS SHIT HERE TO FUCK WITH MY HIGH


COME ON DUDE


WHY YOU GOTTA FUCK WITH MY HIGH


MY HIGH HAS NEVER DONE ANYTHING TO YOU


SO WHY YOU GOTTA DO SHIT TO IT


GOD


NOW I GOTTA START OVER


MMM


MUCH BETTER


LEMME DO A QUICK LINE




NOW WE'RE IN BUSINESS


YEAH
THATS WHAT I CALL A HIGH


MOTHER FUCKER


SHES BACK


FUCK THIS NOISE


IM OUT


SEE YA


DONT LOOK AT ME THAT WAY


I DO WHAT I WANT


AND THATS LEAVE


WAIT WHERE AM I GOING AGAIN?

SIXTEEN

WELL HELLO


SO NICE OF YOU TO JOIN ME


WHAT TOOK YOU SO LONG


I CALLED YOU LIKE
4 HOURS AGO



I WAS REALLY IN NEED



OF, YA KNOW



THE GOOD STUFF



YOU KNOW HOW MUCH I NEED MY SHIT



DONT HOLD OUT ON ME BRAH



BECAUSE THATS JUST FLAT OUT
DISRESPECTFUL



AND NO ONE DISRESPECTS RPATTZ


UNDERSTAND?



OH LORD


YOU JUST DONT GET IT


YOU'RE REALLY GONNA GO THERE



I DONT THINK YOU KNOW



WHAT THIS GUY



IS REALLY CAPPABLE OF



LISTEN GUY



DONT MAKE ME PULL OUT MY CRAZY EYES



DO YOU REALLY WANT ME TO DO THERE?



THATS FUCKING IT



IS THIS WHAT YOU WANTED?



BECAUSE YOU ASKED FOR IT



HAVE YOU NOT HAD ENOUGH?



CUZ I'LL FUCKING BRING IT




ITS ALREADY BEEN BROUGHTEN


YOU KNOW WHAT GUY DUDE



PUT YOUR FUCKING DUKES UP



COME ON
PUT EM UP


SHIT I THINK I BROKE MY HANDS



OH YEAH
THAT DOESNT LOOK GOOD



THANKS A LOT GUY


OH
SO YOUR JACOB


WELL IF YOU DIDNT BREAK MY FUCKING HAND



ID BACKHAND YOU
LIKE THE BITCH YOU ARE




YOU CANT JUST GO AROUND BREAKING PEOPLES HANDS


LIKE
WHAT THE HELL MAN



WERE YOU RAISED BY WOLVES?


OH WAIT



GET IT?
GET IT?
GET IT?



CHRIST IM FUNNY



BUT YOU GET IT
CAUSE LIKE


YOU'RE A WOLF



WHY ARENT YOU LAUGHING?



WHY DONT YOU THINK IM FUNNY?



EVERYONE THINKS IM FUNNY



ESPECIALLY THOSE GIRLS WHO FOLLOW ME AROUND SCREAMING EDWARD



NOW THEY THINK IM FUNNY



BUT YOU'RE JUST A



A FUCKIN


HAND BREAKING
NOT LAUGHING


UHHH



JERK


YEAAAH


GOOD ONE RPATTZ


I SHOWED YOU

FIFTEEN

THAT KRISTEN STEWART



SHE IS TERRIBLE



JUST SO ANNOYING



LIKE BOO HOO IM ONLY 17



LIKE BITCH I DONT CARE


SHE MAKES ME SO ANGRY



SOMETIMES SHE GIVES ME NIGHTMARES



YEAH MAN THEY ARE SCARY


LIKE
I HAVE TO TOUCH HER



AND STAR IN A MOVIE WITH HER



OH I AM STARRING IN A MOVIE WITH HER



SHIT THAT WAS REAL



OH GOD



I NEED TO GO SHOWER



MY LIFE IS OVER



DID YOU SAY POT...OR POTTER?



I STILL GET THOSE MIXED UP




YOU DID SAY POT!



THINK I CAN GET A HIT?



THANKS MAN



THAT FELT GOOD

FOURTEEN

DRUGS ARE BAD


I WILL NEVER DO DRUGS



JUST KIDDING



IM HIGH RIGHT NOW



YOU TOTALLY BELIEVED ME



ALWAYS HIGH



WHO WOULDNT WANT TO BE HIGH



NOT ME



YOU WOULDNT WANT TO BE HIGH



WHATS WRONG WITH YOU



THIS INTERVIEW IS OVER



I CANT EVEN LOOK AT YOU



YOU HAVE TO BE HIGH
ALL THE TIME



OR ELSE SHIT DOESNT GET DONE



I AM SO DISAPPOINTED



YOU SHOULD BE ASHAMED



HOW CAN YOU EVEN LIVE WITH YOURSELF



WHAT?


YOU'RE STRAIGHT EDGE?



YOU SERIOUS?



THATS A GOOD ONE



YOU'RE NOT FUCKING WITH ME?






I HATE IT WHEN PEOPLE FUCK WITH ME



I WILL THROW DOWN

THIRTEEN

STOP COPYING ME


COME ON GUY, THATS REALLY IMMATURE


I MEAN, I KNOW EVERY GUY WANTS TO BE ME


BUT ITS JUST NOT COOL


YOU WILL NEVER
EVER
BE LIKE ME


UNLESS YOU WANT TO GET HIGH LIKE ME


AND YOU SHARE


THEN ITS OKAY


OH SHIT IS THAT MY NAME


WHY YOU GOTTA PUT MY NAME THERE


PEOPLE ALREADY KNOW WHO I AM


BUT WHAT I WANNA KNOW IS


WHOS THAT CEDRIC DIGGORY GUY?


OH SHIT WHERE DID IT GO


IT WAS JUST HERE A MINUTE AGO


OH OK ITS BACK


BUT SERIOUSLY WHOS THAT CEDRIC ASSHOLE


AND WHAT DOES HE HAVE TO DO WITH ME


WAIT
I PLAYED HIM?


I ALWAYS THOUGHT WE LOOKED ALIKE


BUT GOOD SIR, YOU SURELY MUST JEST


HOW COULD I PLAY SUCH A CHARACTER?


SOMEONE SO SMART
SO HANDSOME


AND NOT REMEMBER


OH WAIT
NOW I REMEMBER


I WAS HIGH THAT WAS ALL


IT HAPPENS ALL THE TIME


APPARENTLY
I PLAY A VAMPIRE TOO


ME A VAMPIRE?


I SURELY WOULD HAVE REMEMBERED THAT


BUT I DONT


ITS ALL GOOD THOUGH



BECAUSE IM HIGH

TWELVE

HEY BABY

YOU COME HERE OFTEN?


YEAH
THOUGHT I SAW YO' ASS A FEW TIMES


OH NVM
THOUGHT YOU WERE SOMEONE ELSE


OH


OH GOD


YEAAAAH


DEFINITELY THOUGHT YOU WERE SOMEONE ELSE


I WAS THINKING OF SOME HOT BITCH


SO UHHH


THIS IS A BIT AWKWARD


I MEAN


MAYBE YOU SHOULD GO


I CANT BE SEEN WITH YOUR UG ASS


YOU UNDERSTAND


I HAVE A REP TO PROTECT


ACHOOO


OH NO


SORRY I FORGOT TO TELL YOU


IM UH


ALLERGIC TO BUSTED GIRLS


GOD THAT HO WAS UG


THANK GOD I WAS SO CLEVER


I WAS TALKING TO A LAMP SHADE?


REALLY?


I MUST BE SO FUCKED UP RIGHT NOW


OH MAN!


THATS JUST CLASSIC RPATTZ!

ELEVEN

DO I DAZZLE YOU?


WHAT I DONT?


WHO THE FUCK DO YOU THINK YOU ARE?


SHIT...


WELL FUCK YOU



I DONT EVEN WANNA FUCKING DAZZLE YOU



SLUT


OH I DO DAZZLE YOU


YEAH
THATS WHAT I THOUGHT



APPARENTLY I DONT DAZZLE YOUR FRIEND




BITCH IS GOING DOWN



YEAH IM TALKING TO YOU


TELL ME I DONT DAZZLE YOU ONE MORE TIME




I DARE YOU



ALRIGHT THATS IT



I REALLY DONT WANT TO DO THIS



BUT RPATTZ GOT SOME DIRTY BIZ TO TAKE CARE OF



SHIT



WAIT



OOPSIES
I FORGOT



YOU SEE
IM ON PAROL




BUT IF THIS WAS UNDER DIFFERENT CIRCUMSTANCES



WELL. BASICALLY



YOU'D BE DEAD



GOT THAT BITCH?



SO I HOPE YOU KNOW



YOU DONT FUCK WITH EC



KAY



STOP TELLING ME IM NOT EDWARD CULLEN



BECAUSE I TOTALLY AM, OKAY?



GIRLS CALL ME EDWARD ALL THE TIME



SO IT JUST MAKES SENSE



DONT YOU MOCK ME



TWO CAN PLAY AT THAT DIRTY GAME



OH CHECK ME OUT



IM TO GOOD TO BE DAZZLED



EVEN THOUGH IM LYING THROUGH MY SLUTTY TEETH



YEAH NOT SO FUNNY NOW, IS IT?


DIDNT THINK SO

TEN

DO YOU KNOW WHO THIS GIRL IS?


SHE JUST KIND OF CAME IN


SHE KNEW MY FUCKING NAME TOO, FREAKED ME OUT


CANT REALLY STAND HER


I WAS HER BOYFRIEND IN A MOVIE?




SHIIIT


THAT SUCKS


DID I MAKE OUT WITH HER?


WHEW, THANK GOD


YOU SAID I DANCED WITH HER?


REALLY?


I MUST'VE BEEN HIGH


REAL HIGH


IM PRETTY MUCH ALWAYS HIGH


DID YOU HEAR IM PLAYING A VAMPIRE?


BECAUSE I HAD NO CLUE


CRAZY RIGHT?


I MEAN


ONE DAY THIS BITCH CALLED ME EDWARD CULLEN ON THE STREET


AND I WAS LIKE


WAT


WHO THE FUCK ARE YOU


AND SHE WAS ALL LIKE


IM JAMIE JASTA, DUH


AND THEN THIS OTER BITCH PUNCHED ME


THEN WHEN I WOKE UP I WAS IN THIS WEIRD BED


TIED UP


IT WAS KIND OF CREEPY


BUT I KINDA LIKED IT


ACTUALLY


IT WAS PROBABLY THE BEST MOMENT OF MY LIFE


SO THEN THIS OTHER BITCH CAME IN


SHE HAD THIS WEIRD MASK ON


I THINK HER FRIEND CALLED HER LOLA


ANYWAY


THEY FORCE FED ME A RUFIE AND I PASSED OUT


I REALLY LIKED THAT


BUT THATS ALL I REMEMBER


I WONDER WHERE THOSE GIRLS ARE NOW


PROBABLY IN DETROIT


NAH
I STILL DO THEM


ALL THE TIME REALLY


I KIND OF WISH THEY WERE HERE


SO THEY COULD FUCK THIS BITCH UP




SHE TRIES TO PLAY LIKE SHE DOESN'T WANT ME


EVERYONE WANTS ME


CRAZY
BUT TRUE


IS SHE LOOKING AT ME?


SHES ALWAYS FUCKING STARING


MAYBE IF I CLOSE MY EYES


AND NOW HER EYES ARE CLOSED


WHAT THE FUCK IS UP WITH HER


DOES RPATTZ HAVE TO SMACK A BITCH?


I WILL SMACK A BITCH


YOU SEE
YOU DONT FUCK WITH RPATTZ


ITS COMMON KNOWLEDGE


I FUCK BITCHES UP


THIS ONE TIME I WAS JERKING OFF


YEAH I THINK I WAS HIGH


WHAT AM I TALKING ABOUT
IM ALWAYS HIGH!


IM SORRY I'LL GET SERIOUS NOW


LOOK IM AN INTERVIEWER
AND IM SERIOUS


SO MR. PATTISON
GETTING HIGH IS BAD


LIKE WTF DOOD

NINE

EXCUSE ME!


I NEED TO HAVE A WORD WITH YOU LOLA


I HAVE BEEN SO FRUSTRATED


YOUR BEHAVIOR IS CONCERNING ME...


I JUST WONDER WHERE YOU HAVE BEEN


IT'S VERY FISHY


YOU GALVANTING AROUND LATE AT NIGHT


IT IS NOT ACCEPTABLE


I ALREADY HAD TO SAVE SOME DUMB BITCH IN PORT ANGELES A WHILE BACK


I FUCKING HATE HER...


SHE WAS ALL LIKE


LOOK AT ME LOOK AT ME


IM WALKING AROUND LATE AT NIGHT ALL ALONE


I NEED A HANDSOME VAMPIRE TO SAVE ME BECAUSE IM COMPLETELY HELPLESS


WHAT A DUMB ASS


I SHOULD HAVE JUST LEFT HER ALONE


NOW SHE FOLLOWS ME EVERYWHERE


OH SHIT HERE SHE IS NOW


UHHH...YOU CAN GO AWAY NOW


MAN THAT WAS CLOSE!


YOU CANT JUST TALK TO EDWARD CULLEN LIKE THAT


WHAT DO YOU MEAN IM NOT REALLY EDWARD CULLEN?


OF COURSE I AM


YOU OBVIOUSLY HAVE NO IDEA WHAT YOUR TALKING ABOUT


BITCHES JUST DON'T UNDERSTAND


BUT SERIOUSLY LOLA


UMMM.


WHAT WAS I SAYING?


I CANT REMEMBER


WHO THE FUCK CARES ANYWAY?


BECAUSE I PROBABLY JUST DAZZLED THE SHIT OUT OF YOU...

EIGHT

YOU GUYS SERIOUSLY MADE A BLOG?


OH LORD


I GUESS IT IS KINDA COOL


YOU GUYS ARE REALLY FUNNY


IT IS A PRETTY ACCURATE PORTRAYAL OF MY LIFESTYLE


OH SHIT...

SEVEN

FUCK THAT CHRISTIAN BALE DUDE


YOU GIRLS DONT NEED HIM


IM FUCKING EDWARD CULLEN


WHO NEEDS BATMAN WHEN YOU GOT EC IN DA HOUSE


LETS BE SERIOUS HERE


I MEAN
MY SKIN SPARKLES


AND I DO OTHER COOL SHIT


THAT I DON'T REMEMBER


BECAUSE I'M HIGH


WHAT WERE WE TALKING ABOUT AGAIN?


WHAT?


ABOUT TWILIGHT?


SHIT, I WAS IN THAT?


WHEN DID I SIGN UP FOR THAT?


ITS BASED IN A BOOK?


DID I READ IT?


WHY WOULD I DO THAT?


WAIT
IS IT THE ONE
WITH THE VAMPIRE?


WAIT
I'M THE VAMPIRE?


SHIIIIT
THATS FUCKIN' WILD


WAIT
I EAT PLACENTA?


THATS JUST FUCKED UP


WHY WOULD THEY MAKE ME DO THAT?


DO YOU THINK THEY'LL USE JELLO?


CAUSE JELLO WOULD BE GOOD


I CAN GET DOWN WITH SOME JELLO


ESPECIALLY IF ITS CHERRY
I LOVE CHERRY


SHIIIIT

SIX

JAMIE, I EXPECTED YOU TO BE ONLINE LAST NIGHT


BUT INSTEAD YOU LEAVE ME ALONE WITH WITH BITCH


SERIOUSLY?


I THOUGHT WE WERE CLOSER THAN THAT


YOU KNOW HOW MUCH I WANT TO SMACK THIS BITCH


YOU'RE GOING TO REGRET THIS


I SWEAR TO GOD I'M GOING TO KILL THIS BITCH


LOOK AT HER, SHE'S ALL


OH CHECK ME OUT, I'M IN THE HARRY POTTER MOVIE


I HAVE BLONDE IN MY HAIR AND GET TO DANCE WITH A REALLY HOT GUY THAT I DON'T DESERVE TO TOUCH


CHRIST.


ALL I WANT IT TO SMOKE A DOOBIE. THATS ALL.


GOD, JUST LOOK AT HER. I FEEL LIKE I'M GOING TO CRY JUST LOOKING AT HER HORRIBLE FACE.


OH NO, HERE THEY COME


THE FUCKING TEARS AGAIN, I CAN'T BELIEVE THIS BITCH MADE ME CRY AGAIN


THIS IS ALL YOUR FAULT JAMIE. IF ONLY YOU CAME ONLINE


THIS WOULD HAVE NEVER HAPPENED.


UH OH, I'M STONED AGAIN.

FIVE

OMG
A BUG
KILL IT


YOU SURE ITS DEAD?


DON'T FUCK WITH ME


I HATE BUGS


THEY'RE SO EWWY


THAT WAS GROSS


MADE ME WANT TO VOM


IT WAS A BIG BUG


I MEAN REAL BIG


IT WAS LIKE THIS BIG


BUT ITS DEAD NOW


RIGHT?


YOU SURE?


BECAUSE IF THAT FUCKING BUG COMES BACK


THIS INTERVIEW IS OVER


YOU THINK I'M KIDDING?


I'LL GET UP RIGHT NOW


SEE YA


JK


YOU WERE SO SCARED
YOU WERE ALL


NOOOO
DON'T LEAVE


YOU IDIOT


I GOT YOU SO GOOD


RESPECT.


THATS JUST WHAT I DO


I AM SO WHITE


I TRY TO DO THOSE HAND SIGNS


BUT WHATS THE POINT


DO YOU SMELL SOMETHING?


WAS THAT YOU?


OR MAYBE IT WAS THAT DEAD BUG


I THINK ITS THE BUG


DOOD
IT WAS SO YOU


WHAT THE FUCK MAN


YOU JUST DON'T DO THAT


LEAVE THE ROOM OR SOMETHING


AT LEAST OUT OF RESPECT


I'LL KARATE CHOP YOU NEXT TIME
K?


SHIT
ACTUALLY


I THINK IT WAS ME


DUDE I'M SO HIGH


I DIDN'T EVEN REALIZE I FARTED


I FEEL REAL BAD


IT JUST KIND OF SLIPPED OUT


SO EMBARRASSED


BUT I MEAN


IT WAS PRETTY FUNNY


I MEAN WHO GETS SO HIGH


THEY FART


AND DON'T EVEN KNOW IT


I GUESS I DO


THATS GOOD STUFF, RIGHT?

FOUR

TAKE THIS TO 23452 MAIN STREET
ASK FOR LEROY
TELL HIM BOB SENT YOU
HE'LL KNOW WHAT TO DO


THERE SHOULD BE A PACKAGE ABOUT THIS BIG


IF YOU'RE GOOD I'LL GIVE YOU SOME


STAY ON THE DL OK?


OR RPATTZ 'LL HAVE TO SMACK A BITCH


DOES RPATTZ HAVE TO SMACK A BITCH?


I DIDN'T THINK SO.

THREE

DID YOU SAY POT?


BECAUSE I THINK YOU SAID POT


OH
YOU SAID POTTER


WHY WOULD YOU FUCK WITH ME LIKE THAT?


YOU KNOW I LOVE TO GET HIGH


SHIIIIT

TWO

SORRY
JUST DID A LINE


NOW ITS KICKIN' IN





MY COCK IS THIS BIG


YOU THINK I'M KIDDING?


OKOK ITS MORE LIKE THIS

ONE

OH LOLA, WHY WEREN'T YOU ONLINE LAST NIGHT



I JUST DON'T UNDERSTAND WHY YOU WOULD DO THAT TO ME.



I WAS SO CONFUSED...


I TRIED TO RING YOU



I LOOKED FOR YOU



I CALLED FOR YOU



BUT THERE WAS NOTHING



BUT THEN I LOOKED OVER TO MY LEFT



AND SAW SOME POT


I WAS SO EXCITED


SO I ROLLED A JOINT



IT WAS ABOUT THIS BIG



YOU THINK IM KIDDING


BECAUSE I SMOKED THE WHOLE THING...



AND NOW I'M STONED FOR LIFE