ADVENTURES OF RPATTZ

TWENTY NINE

2009-07-23T15:27:00.000-07:00

WHAT YOU ALL HAVE BEEN WAITING FOR....

WAT. I WASNT JUST PICKING MY NOSE

NAH I WAS JUST UHHH

YOU KNOW

JUST UHHH

I WAS JUST DOIN SOME BLOW

YOU KNOW, LIKE ANY OTHER DAY

I WOULD NEVER PICK MY NOSE IN PUBLIC

THATS DISGUSTING

WHO DO YOU THINK I AM?

BITCH I'M RPATTZ

BETTA RECOGNIZE

YOU DON'T QUESTION RPATTZ

BECAUSE QUESTIONS CONFUSE RPATTZZ

RPATTZ DOES NOT LIKE TO BE CONFUSED

IT MAKES ME WANNA CHOKE A BITCH

BUT I DO LIKE CHOKIN A BITCH

I PREFER TO SLAP EM THOUGH

MAYBE POKE EM IN THE EYE

THEN THEY CAN'T SEE ME COMING

THEY'LL BE LIKE WHOA

ARE YOU RPATTZ?

AND I'LL BE LIKE

WHY YES I AM

NOW GIVE ME YOUR BRA

AND THE SANDWICH TOO

TO OUR MILLIONS OF READERS

2009-04-03T20:59:00.001-07:00

WE HAVE EXPANDED THE LULZ

http://twitter.com/rpattzadventure

FOLLOW PLZ.

TWENTY EIGHT

2009-03-28T23:02:00.001-07:00

HERE, TRY SOME OF BELLA'S UTERUS...

GOOD RIGHT?!

TWENTY SEVEN

2008-12-18T13:19:00.000-08:00

TWENTY SIX

2008-11-16T20:35:00.000-08:00

IM SORRY OFFICER
I SWEAR IT'S JUST PENCIL SHAVINGS

TWENTY FIVE

2008-11-13T20:57:00.000-08:00

Just a small town girl living in a lonely world
She took the midnight train going anywhere

Just a city boy born and raised in South Detroit
He took the midnight train going anywhere

A singer in a smokey room the smell of wine and cheap perfume

For a smile they can share the night.

It goes on and on and on and on

Strangers waiting up down the boulevard.
Their shadows searchin' in the night

Streetlight people living just to find emotion
Hiding somewhere in the night

Working hard to get my fill everybody wants a thrill
Payin' anything to roll the dice. Just one more time.

Some will win some will lose some were born to sing the blues.

Oh the movie never ends. It goes on and on and on and on...

DON'T STOP BELIVEINNNGGGGG
HOLD ON TO THAT FEELINGGGG

TO OUR MILLIONS OF FANS

2008-10-21T18:25:00.001-07:00

AS SOME OF YOU HAVE NOTICED THE PICTURES ARE NOT WORKING RIGHT NOW.

WE DON'T KNOW WHY.

NO NEED TO WORRY, WE WILL CONTINUE THE ADVENTURES AND BRING THE LULZ.

SORRY FOR THE INCONVENIENCE.

HOPEFULLY EVERYTHING WILL BE BACK TO NORMAL SOON.

*****EDIT*****

WE FIGURED OUT THE PROBLEM

BUT NOW THE PROBLEM IS IT'S GOING TO TAKE US A LONG WHILE TO GET THE PICTURES BACK UP

NO WORRIES CHILDREN, WE GO THIS SHIT

TWENTY FOUR

2008-10-21T17:28:00.000-07:00

GUESS WHAT MY FAVORITE MOVIE IS

NOPE, NOT STAR WARS

GOD NO, ITS NOT GEORGE OF THE JUNGLE

MY FAVORITE MOVIE?

CROSSROADS

THAT B. SPEARS

TRULY ONE OF THE GREAT ACTRESSES OF OUR TIME

AND THE PLOT...I COULD REALLY RELATE

IT WAS JUST SO DEEP

I ONCE LIVED OFF TIPS I MADE SINGING HALF NAKED IN A KARAOKE BAR

AND THIS ONE TIME
I TOTALLY DROVE ACROSS THE COUNTRY WITH AN EX-CON

MAN WAS HE A CUTIE

OF COURSE WE FELL IN LOVE!

JUST LIKE LUCY AND BEN!

AND KEEP THIS ON THE DL

BUT HE WAS MY FIRST

OH MEMORIES

THOSE WERE SOME GOOD TIMES

I THINK

I DUNNO MAN
I WAS HIGH A LOT

THOSE EX-CONS
THEY HAVE GOOD HOOKUPS

IF YAGET MY DRIFT

TWENTY THREE

2008-10-17T20:09:00.000-07:00

WHAT ARE YOU GOING TO BE FOR HALLOWEEN

I THINK I WANNA BE

A DOLPHIN.

YEAH I REALLY LIKE DOLPHINS

THE WAY THEY GO EEE EEE EEE

AND THEY GOT THOSE THINGS ON THEIR HEAD

AND IT SHOOTS STUFF OUT OF IT

YEAH I DONT REALLY KNOW WHAT THEY ARE FOR

BUT ITS REALLY COOL

REMEMBER THAT SHOW FLIPPER

THAT DOLPHIN COULD TALK

IT WAS ALL LIKE

TIMMYS IN A WELL

THAT FURRY DOLPHIN SAVES LIVES

SO YOU BETTER RESPECT IT

I KNOW I DO

I GOT A FLIPPER PIN ON MY BOOKBAG IF YOU WANNA SEE

I ALSO HAVE THIS SWEET TRIBAL
WITH A DOLPHIN JUMPING OVER A SUNSET

IT GOES RIGHT ACROSS MY CHEST
ITS SO SICK

I DESIGNED IT MYSELF

WHEN I GAVE IT TO THE DUDE HE WAS LIKE

YEAH MAN THIS IS REALLY GOOD
ITS GOING TO LOOK AWESOME

AND I WAS JUST LIKE

YEAH I KNOW

THEN AFTER I GOT IT DONE

HE TOLD ME FLIPPER WASN'T FLIPPER

BUT IT WAS SOME SHIT NAMED LASSIE

I WAS ALL LIKE

COME ON GUY
I KNOW A FLIPPER WHEN I SEE A FLIPPER

AND THIS MY FRIEND
IS A FLIPPER

HE WAS TRYINA FUCK WITH MY HEAD

I HATE IT WHEN PEOPLE FUCK WITH ME HEAD

THINKIN IM ALL DUMB AND SHIT

FUCK THAT

ACTIN LIKE THEY DONT KNOW WHO I AM

I'M FLIPPER MOTHERFUCKERS.

DONT BELIEVE ME
WATCH THIS

EEE EEE EEE

YEAH THATS WHAT I FUCKING THOUGHT

JUST IGNORE THAT NAME AT THE BOTTOM OF THE SCREEN.

TWENTY TWO

2008-10-05T19:52:00.000-07:00

OH SO YOU LIKE MY JACKET

SHIT IS REAL FLY SON

YEAH ITS NO BIG DEAL

GOT IT FROM A LITTLE PLACE CALLED THE SALVATION ARMY

VERY EXCLUSIVE, I KNOW

BUT NOT EVERYONE CAN AFFORD TO DRESS THIS WELL

ESPECIALLY YOU

BITCH YOU GOT NO STYLE

I SHOULD TAKE YOU TO THE SALVATION ARMY

I DONT KNOW IF YOU COULD AFFORD IT THOUGH

ITS QUITE EXPENSIVE

AND YOUR JUST A TV HOST

NOT A BIG TIME ACTOR LIKE MYSELF

SEE ALL THOSE PEOPLE

THEY ALL WANT ME

DONT BELIEVE ME?

IF YA'LL WANT SOME RPATTZ UPSHIRT

LEMME HEAR YOU SCREAM

WHAT'D I TELL YOU

UH OH

I THINK THEY'RE COMING FOR ME

NOT THE FANS YOU IDIOT

THE FUCKING POPO

YOU SEE LADY

IM WANTED IN 58 STATES FOR POSSESSION

WHY YES
I AM QUITE PROUD

WAIT

THERE ARE ONLY 50 STATES?

WELL THEN...

I THOUGHT I REALLY HAD SOMETHING GOING FOR ME

YOU SURE THERE ARE ONLY 50 STATES?

SHIIIT

I GUESS YOU CAUGHT ME IN THAT LIE

BUT BETWEEN YOU AND ME

I SHOT A MAN IN RENO JUST TO WATCH HIM DIE

PSHHHH YOU BELIEVED ME

I WOULD NEVER KILL A BITCH

I'D SMACK ONE THOUGH

ONE JUST LIKE YOURSELF

SO JUST KEEP YOUR HANDS TO YOURSELF

AND LETS CALL A SPADE A SPADE

AND WE'LL DO THE HOKEY POKEY

BECAUSE IN THE END

THATS WHAT ITS ALL ABOUT

FEEL ME?

TWENTY ONE

2008-10-03T19:47:00.000-07:00

WHO THE FUCK ARE YOU?

OH GOD ITS YOU AGAIN

WELL THIS IS A BIT AWKWARD ISNT IT

I THOUGHT I WOULD HAVE SMACKED YOU INTO ANOTHER DIMENSION BY NOW

SO I GUESS I JUST HAVE TO DEAL WITH YOU

DONT BE OFFENDED

OR ELSE I'LL PUNCH YOUR TEETH IN

YA HEARD?

YEAH THATS WHAT I THOUGHT

BITCH

OH SHIT
I FORGOT MY SHOES

MAYBE I LEFT THEM OVER THERE

DID YOU TAKE THEM?

OH SHIT WEREN'T YOU ON AMERICAS NEXT TOP MODEL

DID YOU KNOW THIS BITCH WAS ON THAT SHOW?

SO TELL ME
IS TYRA A BITCH

GIIIIIRL
YOU SERIOUS?

YEAH I FUCKIN KNEW IT

I ALWAYS KNEW THAT TYRA WAS TROUBLE

SHES ALL LIKE
SMILE WITH YOUR EYES SMILE WITH YOUR EYES

HOWS THIS TYRA
YOU LIKE THIS EYE SMILE?

JUST SHUT THE FUCK UP

BECAUSE I KNOW IM FIERCE

WAIT A MINUTE

YOU WERE THE DYKE

SHIIIIIIT

WELL I'D LIKE TO MAKE YOU A PROPOSITION

JUST LET ME HAVE YOU FOR ONE NIGHT

WHAT IF I SAID PLEASE?

THIS GIRL THINKS SHE CAN RESIST MY DAZZLE

NO ONE CAN RESIST MY DAZZLE

EVEN ONE OF YOUR SEXUAL ORIENTATION

SO JUST GIVE ME A CHANCE BABY

I GOT WHATCHA NEED

A LITTLE BIT OF THIS

A LITTLE BIT OF THAT

AND A LOT OF HEAVY DRUG USAGE

WAT
YOU DONT DO DRUGS EITHER?

WHAT IS UP WITH PEOPLE THESE DAYS?

THERE IS NOTHING WRONG WITH A LOT OF HEAVY DRUG USE

JUST LOOK HOW I TURNED OUT

PERFECTLY FINE

TWENTY

2008-10-01T18:35:00.000-07:00

WITH NO FURTHER ADIEU MAY I PRESENT RPATTZ

THANK YOU KIND SIR

LOLA THIS SONG GOES OUT TO YOU

>I'VE WAITED FOR SOMEONE LIKE YOU TO COME ALONG
AND I'VE NEVER FELT THIS WAY BEFORE
I'VE NEVER FELT THIS PULL, THIS FORCE OF GRAVITY
I WANT YOU SO BADLY

I'LL TAKE CARE OF YOU LIKE NO ONE HAS BEFORE
I WANT YOU AND NOTHING MORE
I AM A LUSH AND I AM ADDICTED AND YOU ARE THE SOURCE OF MY CORRUPTION

DONT YOU WORRY DARLING THIS I PROMISE TO YOU
I'LL NEVER LEAVE OR HURT YOU ANYMORE

BE YOUR EDWARD CULLEN
I'LL BE YOUR EDWARD CULLEN
I'LL BE YOUR EDWARD CULLEN
WILL YOU BE MY VAMPIRE GIRL?

GOT NO WORDS TO EXPLAIN THE WAY THAT I FEEL
I WANT TO BITE YOUR NECK AND MAKE YOU SCREAM
HOW REAL MY HEART IS YOURS TO STEAL
COME ALONG WITH ME, VAMPIRES IN LOVE WE CAN ONLY BE

I'LL BE YOUR EDWARD CULLEN
I'LL BE YOUR EDWARD CULLEN
I'LL BE YOUR EDWARD CULLEN
WILL YOU BE MY VAMPIRE GIRL?

I SMOKED A DOOBIE AND WROTE THAT JUST FOR YOU

THANKS TO THIS GUY FOR THE LYRICS:

NINETEEN

2008-09-29T22:02:00.000-07:00

OH SHIT MAN
IS THIS A J?

ITS NOT?

I THINK
IM GOING TO TRY IT ANYWAY

SEE

IT DOES WORK

WHAT DID I TELL YA

ALWAYS LISTEN TO RPATTZ

I KNOW A J WHEN I SEE ONE

AND THIS RIGHT HERE

IS A J

GUY
YOURE GIVING ME A HEADACHE

SERIOUSLY, STOP TELLING ME ITS NOT A J

I MEAN JUST LOOK AT IT

IT LOOKS DELICIOUS

AND ITS JUST SO BEAUTIFUL

I LOVE YOU J

JUST THINKING ABOUT ALL THOSE GOOD TIMES

REMEMBER THAT ONE TIME

YOU MAY WANT TO SHUT YOUR EARS

SHIT HERE COMES A FLASHBACK

THIS COP GUY HAD JUST PULLED ME OVER
I WAS IN SUCH A DAZE

I LOOKED TO SEE IF IT WAS AN ILLUSION FROM MY HIGH

BUT NO, IT WAS A COP

I TRIED TO DAZZLE HIM

GIVE HIM A BIT OF THE RPATTZ CHARM

BUT IT WAS A NO GO

HE KEPT ASKING WAY TOO MANY QUESTIONS
TRYING TO KILL MY HIGH

THEN HE SHINED THIS LIGHT IN MY EYES
AND ASKED ME TO DROP MY PANTS

THEN I TOLD HIM "NAH MAN, YOUR FIRST"

AND THEN HE ACTUALLY DID IT

BUT HIS THING WAS TOO HARD TO SEE

I WAS ALL
DUDE ARE YOU SERIOUS?

I JUST KIND OF LAUGHED FOR A WHILE

BUT THEN HE STARTED TO COME CLOSER

AND I DEBATED WHETHER I SHOULD GO FOR IT OR RUN AWAY

AND OF COURSE I DID THE LOGICAL THING

I WENT FOR IT

IT WASNT SO BAD

I MEAN
I GOT TO KEEP MY WEED

IT JUST LEFT A FEW MENTAL SCARS

BUT NOTHING THAT CANT BE CURED WITH A GOOD J

LIKE THIS ONE

OH SHIT THE FLASHBACKS OVER?

THANK GOD

OH THOSE WERE THE DAYS

WHAT DO YOU MEAN IT WASNT A GOOD STORY

IT HAD ALL THE ELEMENTS OF A CLASSIC TALE

ROMANCE

UHH

DRUGS

AND JAMMIN TUNES

WHAT THE FUCK AM I DOING HERE

I SHOULDVE BEEN A WRITER

I WOULD WRITE THE SHIT OUT OF A BOOK

WITH MY EYES CLOSED

SEE LOOK
STILL CLOSED

I COULD DO THIS ALL DAY

SHIT

OH GOT IT

THAT WAS A CLOSE ONE

SHIT

ALRIGHT
GOT IT AGAIN GUYS

I GOT THIS ALL DAY

DAYS AND DAYS EVEN

THROUGH AGONY AND PAIN

DID YOU SAY MY NAME?

FUCK

YOU MOTHER FUCKER TRYING TO FUCK UP MY GAME

WELL FUCK YOU
I GOT IT BACK

I GOT THIS SHIT UNDER CONTROL

SEE LOOK
NO HANDS

THIS IS GETTING ME KINDA SLEEPY THOUGH

EIGHTEEN

2008-09-29T21:15:00.000-07:00

JAMIE

WHY DIDNT YOU LET ME KNOW YOU WERE IN THE DARK ROOM TONIGHT

YOU KNOW I COULD'VE HELPED OUT

I MEAN I WOULD'VE HAD TO TOKE UP FIRST

PROBABLY A FEW LINES TOO

BUT I MEAN I WOULD'VE HELPED

YOU SEE

I JUST WORK BETTER UNDER THOSE CONDITIONS, OKAY?

DONT YOU JUDGE ME.

ESPECIALLY WHEN I OFFER YOU MY SERVICES

EVEN THOUGH I'D PROBABLY TRY TO TOUCH YOU INAPPROPRIATELY IN THE DARK

TRIED TO GET A LITTLE UNDER THE SHIRT

YOU'D LET ME GET UP SHIRT

RIGHT?

YEAH THATS WHAT I THOUGHT

YOU'D LOVE SOME RPATTZ UPSHIRT

I CAN SEE IT IN YOUR EYES

WHAT CAN YOU SEE IN MY EYES

ANYTHING GOOD?

SEVENTEEN

2008-09-28T17:53:00.000-07:00

WHAT THE FUCK IS THIS

CAN I SMOKE IT?

NOPE

WHOA
WHO THE FUCK IS THAT

YOU KNOW HIM?

WHEN THE FUCK DID HE GET HERE

I MUST BE SO FUCKED UP RIGHT NOW

WHOA WAIT WHERE IS HE

OH HES BACK

WHO IS THIS BITCH

EXCUSE ME SIR

CAN YOU TELL ME WHERE ALL THESE PEOPLE ARE COMING FROM

OH GOD ITS HER AGAIN

MAYBE IF I PRETEND LIKE IM NOT HERE SHE'LL GO AWAY

WHEW

THAT WAS A CLOSE ONE

BITCH WHY ARE YOU BACK

MAYBE IF I PUT THIS CLOAK OVER YOU

YOU WILL FINALLY GO AWAY
IT WORKS IN THE MOVIE

HOLY SHIT IT WORKED

OR MAYBE IM JUST REALLY FUCKING HIGH

IM PROBABLY REALLY HIGH

YEAH
I WAS HIGH

MAYBE ILL JUST TAKE A NAP

MAN
I CANT SLEEP WITH THIS BITCH HERE

AND ALL THESE THINGS AROUND ME

YOU PUT ALL THIS SHIT HERE TO FUCK WITH MY HIGH

COME ON DUDE

WHY YOU GOTTA FUCK WITH MY HIGH

MY HIGH HAS NEVER DONE ANYTHING TO YOU

SO WHY YOU GOTTA DO SHIT TO IT

GOD

NOW I GOTTA START OVER

MMM

MUCH BETTER

LEMME DO A QUICK LINE

NOW WE'RE IN BUSINESS

YEAH
THATS WHAT I CALL A HIGH

MOTHER FUCKER

SHES BACK

FUCK THIS NOISE

IM OUT

SEE YA

DONT LOOK AT ME THAT WAY

I DO WHAT I WANT

AND THATS LEAVE

WAIT WHERE AM I GOING AGAIN?

SIXTEEN

2008-09-28T16:25:00.000-07:00

WELL HELLO

SO NICE OF YOU TO JOIN ME

WHAT TOOK YOU SO LONG

I CALLED YOU LIKE
4 HOURS AGO

I WAS REALLY IN NEED

OF, YA KNOW

THE GOOD STUFF

YOU KNOW HOW MUCH I NEED MY SHIT

DONT HOLD OUT ON ME BRAH

BECAUSE THATS JUST FLAT OUT
DISRESPECTFUL

AND NO ONE DISRESPECTS RPATTZ

UNDERSTAND?

OH LORD

YOU JUST DONT GET IT

YOU'RE REALLY GONNA GO THERE

I DONT THINK YOU KNOW

WHAT THIS GUY

IS REALLY CAPPABLE OF

LISTEN GUY

DONT MAKE ME PULL OUT MY CRAZY EYES

DO YOU REALLY WANT ME TO DO THERE?

THATS FUCKING IT

IS THIS WHAT YOU WANTED?

BECAUSE YOU ASKED FOR IT

HAVE YOU NOT HAD ENOUGH?

CUZ I'LL FUCKING BRING IT

ITS ALREADY BEEN BROUGHTEN

YOU KNOW WHAT GUY DUDE

PUT YOUR FUCKING DUKES UP

COME ON
PUT EM UP

SHIT I THINK I BROKE MY HANDS

OH YEAH
THAT DOESNT LOOK GOOD

THANKS A LOT GUY

OH
SO YOUR JACOB

WELL IF YOU DIDNT BREAK MY FUCKING HAND

ID BACKHAND YOU
LIKE THE BITCH YOU ARE

YOU CANT JUST GO AROUND BREAKING PEOPLES HANDS

LIKE
WHAT THE HELL MAN

WERE YOU RAISED BY WOLVES?

OH WAIT

GET IT?
GET IT?
GET IT?

CHRIST IM FUNNY

BUT YOU GET IT
CAUSE LIKE

YOU'RE A WOLF

WHY ARENT YOU LAUGHING?

WHY DONT YOU THINK IM FUNNY?

EVERYONE THINKS IM FUNNY

ESPECIALLY THOSE GIRLS WHO FOLLOW ME AROUND SCREAMING EDWARD

NOW THEY THINK IM FUNNY

BUT YOU'RE JUST A

A FUCKIN

HAND BREAKING
NOT LAUGHING

UHHH

JERK

YEAAAH

GOOD ONE RPATTZ

I SHOWED YOU

FIFTEEN

2008-09-27T21:37:00.000-07:00

THAT KRISTEN STEWART

SHE IS TERRIBLE

JUST SO ANNOYING

LIKE BOO HOO IM ONLY 17

LIKE BITCH I DONT CARE

SHE MAKES ME SO ANGRY

SOMETIMES SHE GIVES ME NIGHTMARES

YEAH MAN THEY ARE SCARY

LIKE
I HAVE TO TOUCH HER

AND STAR IN A MOVIE WITH HER

OH I AM STARRING IN A MOVIE WITH HER

SHIT THAT WAS REAL

OH GOD

I NEED TO GO SHOWER

MY LIFE IS OVER

DID YOU SAY POT...OR POTTER?

I STILL GET THOSE MIXED UP

YOU DID SAY POT!

THINK I CAN GET A HIT?

THANKS MAN

THAT FELT GOOD

FOURTEEN

2008-09-27T21:03:00.000-07:00

DRUGS ARE BAD

I WILL NEVER DO DRUGS

JUST KIDDING

IM HIGH RIGHT NOW

YOU TOTALLY BELIEVED ME

ALWAYS HIGH

WHO WOULDNT WANT TO BE HIGH

NOT ME

YOU WOULDNT WANT TO BE HIGH

WHATS WRONG WITH YOU

THIS INTERVIEW IS OVER

I CANT EVEN LOOK AT YOU

YOU HAVE TO BE HIGH
ALL THE TIME

OR ELSE SHIT DOESNT GET DONE

I AM SO DISAPPOINTED

YOU SHOULD BE ASHAMED

HOW CAN YOU EVEN LIVE WITH YOURSELF

WHAT?

YOU'RE STRAIGHT EDGE?

YOU SERIOUS?

THATS A GOOD ONE

YOU'RE NOT FUCKING WITH ME?

I HATE IT WHEN PEOPLE FUCK WITH ME

I WILL THROW DOWN

THIRTEEN

2008-09-27T21:00:00.000-07:00

STOP COPYING ME

COME ON GUY, THATS REALLY IMMATURE

I MEAN, I KNOW EVERY GUY WANTS TO BE ME

BUT ITS JUST NOT COOL

YOU WILL NEVER
EVER
BE LIKE ME

UNLESS YOU WANT TO GET HIGH LIKE ME

AND YOU SHARE

THEN ITS OKAY

OH SHIT IS THAT MY NAME

WHY YOU GOTTA PUT MY NAME THERE

PEOPLE ALREADY KNOW WHO I AM

BUT WHAT I WANNA KNOW IS

WHOS THAT CEDRIC DIGGORY GUY?

OH SHIT WHERE DID IT GO

IT WAS JUST HERE A MINUTE AGO

OH OK ITS BACK

BUT SERIOUSLY WHOS THAT CEDRIC ASSHOLE

AND WHAT DOES HE HAVE TO DO WITH ME

WAIT
I PLAYED HIM?

I ALWAYS THOUGHT WE LOOKED ALIKE

BUT GOOD SIR, YOU SURELY MUST JEST

HOW COULD I PLAY SUCH A CHARACTER?

SOMEONE SO SMART
SO HANDSOME

AND NOT REMEMBER

OH WAIT
NOW I REMEMBER

I WAS HIGH THAT WAS ALL

IT HAPPENS ALL THE TIME

APPARENTLY
I PLAY A VAMPIRE TOO

ME A VAMPIRE?

I SURELY WOULD HAVE REMEMBERED THAT

BUT I DONT

ITS ALL GOOD THOUGH

BECAUSE IM HIGH

TWELVE

2008-09-27T19:14:00.000-07:00

HEY BABY

YOU COME HERE OFTEN?

YEAH
THOUGHT I SAW YO' ASS A FEW TIMES

OH NVM
THOUGHT YOU WERE SOMEONE ELSE

OH

OH GOD

YEAAAAH

DEFINITELY THOUGHT YOU WERE SOMEONE ELSE

I WAS THINKING OF SOME HOT BITCH

SO UHHH

THIS IS A BIT AWKWARD

I MEAN

MAYBE YOU SHOULD GO

I CANT BE SEEN WITH YOUR UG ASS

YOU UNDERSTAND

I HAVE A REP TO PROTECT

ACHOOO

OH NO

SORRY I FORGOT TO TELL YOU

IM UH

ALLERGIC TO BUSTED GIRLS

GOD THAT HO WAS UG

THANK GOD I WAS SO CLEVER

I WAS TALKING TO A LAMP SHADE?

REALLY?

I MUST BE SO FUCKED UP RIGHT NOW

OH MAN!

THATS JUST CLASSIC RPATTZ!

ELEVEN

2008-09-27T17:52:00.000-07:00

DO I DAZZLE YOU?

WHAT I DONT?

WHO THE FUCK DO YOU THINK YOU ARE?

SHIT...

WELL FUCK YOU

I DONT EVEN WANNA FUCKING DAZZLE YOU

SLUT

OH I DO DAZZLE YOU

YEAH
THATS WHAT I THOUGHT

APPARENTLY I DONT DAZZLE YOUR FRIEND

BITCH IS GOING DOWN

YEAH IM TALKING TO YOU

TELL ME I DONT DAZZLE YOU ONE MORE TIME

I DARE YOU

ALRIGHT THATS IT

I REALLY DONT WANT TO DO THIS

BUT RPATTZ GOT SOME DIRTY BIZ TO TAKE CARE OF

SHIT

WAIT

OOPSIES
I FORGOT

YOU SEE
IM ON PAROL

BUT IF THIS WAS UNDER DIFFERENT CIRCUMSTANCES

WELL. BASICALLY

YOU'D BE DEAD

GOT THAT BITCH?

SO I HOPE YOU KNOW

YOU DONT FUCK WITH EC

KAY

STOP TELLING ME IM NOT EDWARD CULLEN

BECAUSE I TOTALLY AM, OKAY?

GIRLS CALL ME EDWARD ALL THE TIME

SO IT JUST MAKES SENSE

DONT YOU MOCK ME

TWO CAN PLAY AT THAT DIRTY GAME

OH CHECK ME OUT

IM TO GOOD TO BE DAZZLED

EVEN THOUGH IM LYING THROUGH MY SLUTTY TEETH

YEAH NOT SO FUNNY NOW, IS IT?

DIDNT THINK SO

TEN

2008-09-27T15:00:00.000-07:00

DO YOU KNOW WHO THIS GIRL IS?

SHE JUST KIND OF CAME IN

SHE KNEW MY FUCKING NAME TOO, FREAKED ME OUT

CANT REALLY STAND HER

I WAS HER BOYFRIEND IN A MOVIE?

SHIIIT

THAT SUCKS

DID I MAKE OUT WITH HER?

WHEW, THANK GOD

YOU SAID I DANCED WITH HER?

REALLY?

I MUST'VE BEEN HIGH

REAL HIGH

IM PRETTY MUCH ALWAYS HIGH

DID YOU HEAR IM PLAYING A VAMPIRE?

BECAUSE I HAD NO CLUE

CRAZY RIGHT?

I MEAN

ONE DAY THIS BITCH CALLED ME EDWARD CULLEN ON THE STREET

AND I WAS LIKE

WAT

WHO THE FUCK ARE YOU

AND SHE WAS ALL LIKE

IM JAMIE JASTA, DUH

AND THEN THIS OTER BITCH PUNCHED ME

THEN WHEN I WOKE UP I WAS IN THIS WEIRD BED

TIED UP

IT WAS KIND OF CREEPY

BUT I KINDA LIKED IT

ACTUALLY

IT WAS PROBABLY THE BEST MOMENT OF MY LIFE

SO THEN THIS OTHER BITCH CAME IN

SHE HAD THIS WEIRD MASK ON

I THINK HER FRIEND CALLED HER LOLA

ANYWAY

THEY FORCE FED ME A RUFIE AND I PASSED OUT

I REALLY LIKED THAT

BUT THATS ALL I REMEMBER

I WONDER WHERE THOSE GIRLS ARE NOW

PROBABLY IN DETROIT

NAH
I STILL DO THEM

ALL THE TIME REALLY

I KIND OF WISH THEY WERE HERE

SO THEY COULD FUCK THIS BITCH UP

SHE TRIES TO PLAY LIKE SHE DOESN'T WANT ME

EVERYONE WANTS ME

CRAZY
BUT TRUE

IS SHE LOOKING AT ME?

SHES ALWAYS FUCKING STARING

MAYBE IF I CLOSE MY EYES

AND NOW HER EYES ARE CLOSED

WHAT THE FUCK IS UP WITH HER

DOES RPATTZ HAVE TO SMACK A BITCH?

I WILL SMACK A BITCH

YOU SEE
YOU DONT FUCK WITH RPATTZ

ITS COMMON KNOWLEDGE

I FUCK BITCHES UP

THIS ONE TIME I WAS JERKING OFF

YEAH I THINK I WAS HIGH

WHAT AM I TALKING ABOUT
IM ALWAYS HIGH!

IM SORRY I'LL GET SERIOUS NOW

LOOK IM AN INTERVIEWER
AND IM SERIOUS

SO MR. PATTISON
GETTING HIGH IS BAD

LIKE WTF DOOD

NINE

2008-09-27T12:38:00.000-07:00

EXCUSE ME!

I NEED TO HAVE A WORD WITH YOU LOLA

I HAVE BEEN SO FRUSTRATED

YOUR BEHAVIOR IS CONCERNING ME...

I JUST WONDER WHERE YOU HAVE BEEN

IT'S VERY FISHY

YOU GALVANTING AROUND LATE AT NIGHT

IT IS NOT ACCEPTABLE

I ALREADY HAD TO SAVE SOME DUMB BITCH IN PORT ANGELES A WHILE BACK

I FUCKING HATE HER...

SHE WAS ALL LIKE

LOOK AT ME LOOK AT ME

IM WALKING AROUND LATE AT NIGHT ALL ALONE

I NEED A HANDSOME VAMPIRE TO SAVE ME BECAUSE IM COMPLETELY HELPLESS

WHAT A DUMB ASS

I SHOULD HAVE JUST LEFT HER ALONE

NOW SHE FOLLOWS ME EVERYWHERE

OH SHIT HERE SHE IS NOW

UHHH...YOU CAN GO AWAY NOW

MAN THAT WAS CLOSE!

YOU CANT JUST TALK TO EDWARD CULLEN LIKE THAT

WHAT DO YOU MEAN IM NOT REALLY EDWARD CULLEN?

OF COURSE I AM

YOU OBVIOUSLY HAVE NO IDEA WHAT YOUR TALKING ABOUT

BITCHES JUST DON'T UNDERSTAND

BUT SERIOUSLY LOLA

UMMM.

WHAT WAS I SAYING?

I CANT REMEMBER

WHO THE FUCK CARES ANYWAY?

BECAUSE I PROBABLY JUST DAZZLED THE SHIT OUT OF YOU...

EIGHT

2008-09-26T23:44:00.000-07:00

YOU GUYS SERIOUSLY MADE A BLOG?

OH LORD

I GUESS IT IS KINDA COOL

YOU GUYS ARE REALLY FUNNY

IT IS A PRETTY ACCURATE PORTRAYAL OF MY LIFESTYLE

OH SHIT...

SEVEN

2008-09-26T14:25:00.000-07:00

FUCK THAT CHRISTIAN BALE DUDE

YOU GIRLS DONT NEED HIM

IM FUCKING EDWARD CULLEN

WHO NEEDS BATMAN WHEN YOU GOT EC IN DA HOUSE

LETS BE SERIOUS HERE

I MEAN
MY SKIN SPARKLES

AND I DO OTHER COOL SHIT

THAT I DON'T REMEMBER

BECAUSE I'M HIGH

WHAT WERE WE TALKING ABOUT AGAIN?

WHAT?

ABOUT TWILIGHT?

SHIT, I WAS IN THAT?

WHEN DID I SIGN UP FOR THAT?

ITS BASED IN A BOOK?

DID I READ IT?

WHY WOULD I DO THAT?

WAIT
IS IT THE ONE
WITH THE VAMPIRE?

WAIT
I'M THE VAMPIRE?

SHIIIIT
THATS FUCKIN' WILD

WAIT
I EAT PLACENTA?

THATS JUST FUCKED UP

WHY WOULD THEY MAKE ME DO THAT?

DO YOU THINK THEY'LL USE JELLO?

CAUSE JELLO WOULD BE GOOD

I CAN GET DOWN WITH SOME JELLO

ESPECIALLY IF ITS CHERRY
I LOVE CHERRY

SHIIIIT

SIX

2008-09-26T14:21:00.000-07:00

JAMIE, I EXPECTED YOU TO BE ONLINE LAST NIGHT

BUT INSTEAD YOU LEAVE ME ALONE WITH WITH BITCH

SERIOUSLY?

I THOUGHT WE WERE CLOSER THAN THAT

YOU KNOW HOW MUCH I WANT TO SMACK THIS BITCH

YOU'RE GOING TO REGRET THIS

I SWEAR TO GOD I'M GOING TO KILL THIS BITCH

LOOK AT HER, SHE'S ALL

OH CHECK ME OUT, I'M IN THE HARRY POTTER MOVIE

I HAVE BLONDE IN MY HAIR AND GET TO DANCE WITH A REALLY HOT GUY THAT I DON'T DESERVE TO TOUCH

CHRIST.

ALL I WANT IT TO SMOKE A DOOBIE. THATS ALL.

GOD, JUST LOOK AT HER. I FEEL LIKE I'M GOING TO CRY JUST LOOKING AT HER HORRIBLE FACE.

OH NO, HERE THEY COME

THE FUCKING TEARS AGAIN, I CAN'T BELIEVE THIS BITCH MADE ME CRY AGAIN

THIS IS ALL YOUR FAULT JAMIE. IF ONLY YOU CAME ONLINE

THIS WOULD HAVE NEVER HAPPENED.

UH OH, I'M STONED AGAIN.

FIVE

2008-09-26T01:15:00.000-07:00

OMG
A BUG
KILL IT

YOU SURE ITS DEAD?

DON'T FUCK WITH ME

I HATE BUGS

THEY'RE SO EWWY

THAT WAS GROSS

MADE ME WANT TO VOM

IT WAS A BIG BUG

I MEAN REAL BIG

IT WAS LIKE THIS BIG

BUT ITS DEAD NOW

RIGHT?

YOU SURE?

BECAUSE IF THAT FUCKING BUG COMES BACK

THIS INTERVIEW IS OVER

YOU THINK I'M KIDDING?

I'LL GET UP RIGHT NOW

SEE YA

JK

YOU WERE SO SCARED
YOU WERE ALL

NOOOO
DON'T LEAVE

YOU IDIOT

I GOT YOU SO GOOD

RESPECT.

THATS JUST WHAT I DO

I AM SO WHITE

I TRY TO DO THOSE HAND SIGNS

BUT WHATS THE POINT

DO YOU SMELL SOMETHING?

WAS THAT YOU?

OR MAYBE IT WAS THAT DEAD BUG

I THINK ITS THE BUG

DOOD
IT WAS SO YOU

WHAT THE FUCK MAN

YOU JUST DON'T DO THAT

LEAVE THE ROOM OR SOMETHING

AT LEAST OUT OF RESPECT

I'LL KARATE CHOP YOU NEXT TIME
K?

SHIT
ACTUALLY

I THINK IT WAS ME

DUDE I'M SO HIGH

I DIDN'T EVEN REALIZE I FARTED

I FEEL REAL BAD

IT JUST KIND OF SLIPPED OUT

SO EMBARRASSED

BUT I MEAN

IT WAS PRETTY FUNNY

I MEAN WHO GETS SO HIGH

THEY FART

AND DON'T EVEN KNOW IT

I GUESS I DO

THATS GOOD STUFF, RIGHT?

FOUR

2008-09-26T01:14:00.000-07:00

TAKE THIS TO 23452 MAIN STREET
ASK FOR LEROY
TELL HIM BOB SENT YOU
HE'LL KNOW WHAT TO DO

THERE SHOULD BE A PACKAGE ABOUT THIS BIG

IF YOU'RE GOOD I'LL GIVE YOU SOME

STAY ON THE DL OK?

OR RPATTZ 'LL HAVE TO SMACK A BITCH

DOES RPATTZ HAVE TO SMACK A BITCH?

I DIDN'T THINK SO.

THREE

2008-09-26T01:13:00.002-07:00

DID YOU SAY POT?

BECAUSE I THINK YOU SAID POT

OH
YOU SAID POTTER

WHY WOULD YOU FUCK WITH ME LIKE THAT?

YOU KNOW I LOVE TO GET HIGH

SHIIIIT

TWO

2008-09-26T01:13:00.001-07:00

SORRY
JUST DID A LINE

NOW ITS KICKIN' IN

MY COCK IS THIS BIG

YOU THINK I'M KIDDING?

OKOK ITS MORE LIKE THIS

ONE

2008-09-26T01:12:00.001-07:00

OH LOLA, WHY WEREN'T YOU ONLINE LAST NIGHT

I JUST DON'T UNDERSTAND WHY YOU WOULD DO THAT TO ME.

I WAS SO CONFUSED...

I TRIED TO RING YOU

I LOOKED FOR YOU

I CALLED FOR YOU

BUT THERE WAS NOTHING

BUT THEN I LOOKED OVER TO MY LEFT

AND SAW SOME POT

I WAS SO EXCITED

SO I ROLLED A JOINT

IT WAS ABOUT THIS BIG

YOU THINK IM KIDDING

BECAUSE I SMOKED THE WHOLE THING...

AND NOW I'M STONED FOR LIFE